Must this life be about heartbreak over and over again? Must we go through the experience of labored breathing, with a hurt, broken heart while tears wet our face? Sure, every human being experiencing this is made the wiser. But should some of us go through this heartbreak time and time again? Why does it feel like some of us feel this with every infatuation? with every love, brief as it may be.

My heart feels heavy. I ended a relationship at the start of the year and though it was for the “right” reasons, the heartbreak still resonates through my heart and depletes my breath. Must I find it hard to breathe with the arrival of this breakup? The realization that my dream will go on unfulfilled. 

I know what my friends will say “you’re better off alone, he wasn’t right for you”. I agree, in fact, I said it before, but it doesn’t take the edge off the sadness. How can I be sad for losing someone that wasn’t meant for me? How does my heart feel so deeply, so fast, for someone that was here for only a brief moment? Why does my mind trick me into thinking of these men as long-term partners? This man wowed me with his words of “potential”, only to leave an empty, vast hole where he/we would have been.Why must my heart fall for him when he didn’t show a consistent aptitude for said potential?

I ask, “what is the lesson here?”, but I’m too sad to hear it. It is strange though. There is sadness, but also relief. Relief that I have stopped wondering if this is the “right” man, or relationship for me. I am no longer asking myself “is this the relationship that will elevate my life?” The relief is great, but (at least for now) overshadowed by the sadness that emerges from within with the realization that he isn’t the one.

Perhaps, this grief is what I have been avoiding all along. Since the first time, I “knew” he wasn’t the one. I allowed, and even “fanned the flames” of the alluring “maybe, he’s the one!” Yet, it seems like this entire time I was avoiding the inevitable disillusion that he isn’t for me. Instead of a sharp, clean cut, I let months of “maybe” carve a deeper grove in my heart and mind. And that my friends, might be the lesson here.

Also, for complete clarity, I want to emphasize there is nothing wrong with this man. He is great, hardworking, astute, clever, good-looking and for someone else, he will be a great match and a generous and loving provider. Which only points me back to my sadness. He is all those things, just not for me. My mind wanders, “where did it all go wrong?”, along with a few more pointless and unanswerable questions that lead to nothing more than blame and frustration. The good-for-nothing and never-ending game of “what-if”.

I must remember to hold space for the vision I have for my life. The vision of what feels like a great, committed relationship to me. The vision that I thought we shared, but at the end, didn’t materialize together and that is okay. What has taken place is for a reason and I honor it all. It was in fact, that vision that lead me to the decision to break the relationship. Perhaps that is lesson number two. To find even more space inside to hold true. True to my wisdom, true to my calling.

Inside this space, there is no blame or second-guessing. There is simply being. I love you and I hold space for your highest good. I am holding space for my highest good too. 

In all this sadness, I also experience a glimmer of excitement for a new beginning. What can my life be about if I am not consumed by the incessant questioning of “is he the one?” “where is he?”, etc., etc. It is much too soon for the prospects of new beginnings. For now, I promise to move at my own pace and to hold space for all there is. Including the rage. ”Why didn’t he just X, Y, and Z”. Ugh! I’m so angry at him. Seriously, what was so hard about this? Not very hard if one stays true to our words as opposed to being afraid to act. Said the Virgo advising her friend, while all the while ignoring her own advice. Mua hahahaha.

That’s it for now. I’m here for it and I’ve got you <3… said me to me.